areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
