She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
