I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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