I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
