Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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