Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
