I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We have started to decorate penises.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
