Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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