I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
