note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
