quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
