to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
