508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
