wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
