they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
