I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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