I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
