Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
