I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
