if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
