A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
