just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
