I hate all girls vehemently.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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