You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
