god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
