Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
