I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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