No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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