Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Randomize
