please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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