Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
