I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
