I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
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