Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
