ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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