Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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