dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
