went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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