My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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