we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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