when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
