Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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