just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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