i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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