i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
