I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
