Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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