chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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