In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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