Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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