i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
