Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
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he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
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I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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