I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
