onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
