im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Randomize
