Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
