I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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