My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
