party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I need water and some morals
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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