Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
