I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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