bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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